Are you feeling sad now that your child/children has left for college? Does the house seem empty without them? Are you and your spouse finding it difficult to relate to each other now that your child is no longer front and center?

Over the years, this common experience faced by couples who no longer have the routine of carpools, soccer games, parent teacher meetings, family dinners and day-to-day parenting is known as empty-nest syndrome. It is a typical grief reaction in response to a significant period of one’s life coming to a close, missing a loved one and changing roles/identities.

Women have traditionally had a more difficult time with the empty nest because so much of their identity is centered around being a parent whilst their spouses’ identities are largely centered around their profession. This may be undergoing a change as most families are now two income households.

Once navigated successfully, couples rediscover each other, forge the beginnings of adult relationships with their children and try to figure out what to do with that empty extra room in the house. Do they convert it into a home office, sewing room or poker den? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Before you leave for Home Depot, you may want to reconsider your remodeling plans. With the skyrocketing cost of college education, lack of well-paying job opportunities available to recent graduates and the seemingly insurmountable debts incurred through loans and credit cards, many adult children are migrating back to the home roost.

This has created a new phenomenon; overcrowded-nest syndrome (don’t try to Google the term- I just coined it). Just when you and/or your spouse/significant other have begun to enjoy this new life chapter, theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey’re baaaaaaaaaaaack.

One of the main purposes for attending college used to be to educate our children in order to prepare them to live independent lives as contributing members of society. What happened? Ever escalating college tuition and job outsourcing is what’s happened. What is the return on investment for a $150,000 education at a non-Ivy league school?

Financial troubles aren’t the only issue at hand. Most college students acquire psychological independence whilst away from home. They are no longer children, but they are still your children. The old adolescent rules no longer apply, yet there are house rules. Combine this with the realization your former belief that once you put your kids through college you would be “done” with their feeding and care no longer holds true and you have some potentially tense dynamics and increased financial strains.

If you’re children must return home after college, it’s important to set house rules by which everyone can abide, some kind of monetary arrangement in which they contribute to the household expenses and a realistic plan/timeline for how long they plan to stay. For many, this may require teaching your kids how to create a budget (currently not on most college curricula last time I checked- if it were, many students wouldn’t fill out the financial aid forms!). It’s not ideal, but this is what happens when businesses (and nowadays, schools are BIG business) are allowed to inflate costs without regulation.

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

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It is impossible to live a completely stress-free existence. College life has its own unique variety of stressors, which seem to occur at predictable times during the academic calendar year. The following stressors are not the only ones students face throughout the year, but they are common and widespread amongst the student population.

March:

Ӣ Stress and panic begins after mid-term evaluations are received.
Ӣ Drug and alcohol use increases; for some, problems may develop because of this.
Ӣ Depression begins in anticipation of separation from friends and loved ones during the summer or after graduation.
Ӣ Academic pressure increases as Finals week draws near.
Ӣ Pregnancies from Christmas vacation begin to show- dilemma over what to do.
Ӣ Existential crisis for seniors: Is my education worth anything? Must I leave school? Was my major a mistake? Why go on? Where is God? Will I make it?
Ӣ Reality of school responsibilities set in after spring break. Some students now must face the embarrassment and agony of living down flashing the MTV spring break cameras in front of an audience of millions.

April:

Ӣ Stress and disappointment set in after Finals grades are received for Winter quarter.
Ӣ New promises are made to self to do better Spring quarter.
Ӣ Confusion and frustration develop because of decisions necessary for the late registration scramble.
Ӣ Increased stress for students who still have not declared a major.
Ӣ Social pressures- everybody is asking for your participation at trips, parties and banquets.
Ӣ Job and co-op recruitment panic begins.
Ӣ Reality of graduation looms ever larger for seniors.

May:

”¢ Mid-term anxiety begins anew as some students realize they have once again not “stayed on top of things.”
Ӣ Seniors panic about job offers or the lack thereof.
Ӣ Depression begins over leaving friends and facing possible conflicts at home.
”¢ Separation anxiety begins for couples who won’t be spending the summer together and worry about the survival of the relationship.
Ӣ Spring fever begins and some students blow off classes and assignments that they may later regret.
Ӣ Mid-term grades are received and the crunch towards final exams begins.
Ӣ Housing dilemmas arise for following school year.

June:

Ӣ Anxiety develops with the realization that the school year is indeed ending.
Ӣ Seniors face the reality of saying goodbye.
Ӣ Finals pressure and anxiety.
Ӣ Packing up belongings to move into a new residence or return home for the summer.
Ӣ Facing the possibility of living with people one may not know during the next school year.
Ӣ Anxiety over beginning summer co-op or job.
Ӣ Stress over registration for summer classes and not having a summer vacation like friends at other schools.

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, there are academic stressors that transcend time. The above are not a complete list, but give an idea of what your college aged children may be facing this time of year. Just think, it’s only a few weeks until summer vacation. I’ll bet you can hardly wait!

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Psy.D.

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US college students are wonderfully diverse. They come from many different backgrounds, cultures, states, countries, and families. Over the course of your child’s education, they will go through numerous developmental changes and pressures. Seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist does not mean a person is “crazy.” Many students (who are not “crazy”) seek psychotherapy with concerns such as:

- Academic performance
- Test anxiety
- Poor concentration for coursework
- Time-management and/or study skills
- Career counseling
- Interpersonal relationship difficulties (i.e., not getting along with friends or roommates, problems with boyfriend/girlfriend)
- End of relationships (with friend or significant other)
- Low self-esteem, poor body image, self-confidence
- Assertiveness skills
- Unresolved or ongoing family difficulties
- Death of a family member or loved one
- Feeling suicidal/homicidal
- Past sexual or physical abuse
- Current physically abusive relationships
- Drug and/or alcohol abuse
- Eating problems (binge-eating, restricting, purging)
- Rape, acquaintance/date rape and/or sexual assault
- Life-threatening illness
- Feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness
- Depression
- Anxiety, phobias (e.g., fear of flying), panic attacks
- Emotional difficulties that make it difficult to function on a daily basis (e.g., depression/anxiety)
- Behaviors that are harmful to self or others (drinking too much and becoming aggressive)
- Sexual problems (dissatisfaction and/or dysfunction)
- Questioning sexual orientation
- Coming out to friends and family
- Anger management (extreme irritability/hostility/anger disproportionate to the situation)
- Extreme shyness
- Personal growth
- Understanding feelings better
- Pattern of bad relationships
- Intimacy difficulties
- Clinical conditions (i.e., bipolar disorder, ADHD)
- Adjustment difficulties (i.e., living away from home)
- Perfectionism
- Dating concerns
- Impending death of a significant person
- Confusion about beliefs/values
- Making friends
- Religious/spiritual concerns
- Sleeping problems
- Stress management
- Unplanned pregnancy/abortion/adoption
- Unusually stressful events (e.g., roommate/friend attempts or successfully carries out suicide, roommate/friend/self is victim of violence

When students experience some or many of the above stressors, talking with a counselor either at the university center (if they have one) and/or a community practitioner may be a beneficial option. Individual and/or group counseling provides the chance to talk about these issues with an objective, trained professional who can teach new skills and ways of looking at situations in order to become more capable of solving new problems in the future. Therapy can help one overcome obstacles and help reach goals.

Going to counseling does not mean you’re crazy. In fact, most students who seek services are not “crazy.” The college years are a time of rapid developmental changes, transitions, and adjustments. It is to be expected that there are people who are facing life difficulties and are in need of some extra support and a different perspective. Making the decision to go to counseling isn’t always easy, but people who are willing to work in partnership with their counselor often find relief from their emotional problems and begin to lead more fulfilling and satisfying lives.

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

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The college years are an exciting, but sometimes stressful time. Many students are faced with problems that are not readily resolvable or the usual ways of managing problems aren’t working as well as they used to do. You may find, for example, that talking to friends or family about your concerns is impossible or unhelpful.

What is counseling?
There are many definitions of counseling. Basically, it is a process by which psychological and/or emotional problems/concerns are treated through communication and relationship aspects between an individual and a therapist. Counseling provides you the chance to talk about what is on your mind with an objective person. This trained professional can help you learn new skills and ways of looking at situations, so that you will be more capable of solving new problems on your own in the future.

How is it different from talking to my friends about my problems?
Counseling is much more than talking about your problems. While family or friends can help you feel better or even offer good advice for change, this isn’t counseling. Counseling is a professional relationship between a therapist and a client that is based on therapeutic principles, structure, and technique. It differs from other relationships in several ways:

Relationship with a specific purpose.
The relationship between a therapist and a client is strictly professional. It exists only and solely for the purpose of helping the individual seeking counseling.

Confidentiality.
You can tell therapists things without having to worry about your information being repeated to others or in any way affecting your job, family, or friendships.

Honest expression of feelings.
You can be honest without having to worry about offending friends, family, or peers. When a therapist asks how you are doing, he or she really wants to know. This is different from social or casual conversation, in which the person who asks the questions expects you to say, “okay” so he can tell you how he is doing.

Professional training and experience.
Therapists are trained through education and practical experience to understand what you say- your words, how you say them and which ones you do not use. They pay attention to body language and tone of voice to fully understand your speech. Having learned about and working others possessing similar issues to your own, therapists understand your particular concerns and help you to work through and beyond them.

If I begin counseling, how can I try to get the most out of it?
Counseling works especially well when individuals and their therapists communicate openly. Research has shown that the outcome of counseling is improved when the therapist and the individual agree early about what the major concerns are and how counseling can help. You and your therapist both have responsibilities in establishing and maintaining a good working relationship. Be clear with your therapist about your expectations and share any concerns that may arise. Therapy works best when you attend all scheduled sessions and give some forethought to what issues you would like to address.

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

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What are the key components to college retention and how does it affect school selection? First, when considering the schools to which your child applies, find out their retention rates and compare them to the national average. If the information is not readily available in the school catalog or on the web, call a recruiter. Believe you me, schools know their retention and attrition rates. If they are not trumpeting their rate as an enrollment enticement, be concerned.

Second, low or below average retention rates indicate structural and support service deficits that are indicative of a less than optimal learning and developmental environment. The first year of school is a critical period in your child’s educational future. You don’t want to begin with a pre-existing institutional handicap.

According to Vincent Tinto, Ph.D. (2003), there are 5 conditions that promote student retention, especially during the first year. Tinto’s conditions are based upon factors that are within the institutions themselves and, therefore, within the institution’s control to change. Traditionally, schools base their retention rates on describing what type of student is most likely to be successful in their system.

This is backward reasoning. If you adhere to this perspective, one could argue that these institutions should only accept students possessing the attributes that guarantee success. If schools are serious about meeting the needs of their students, they need to lose the “one size fits all” mentality and adapt their structure to meet the diverse needs and characteristics of their student body. “For unlike student attributes that are largely fixed at entry, the conditions in which students seek to learn and persist, such as classrooms, are not. They are already within institutional control, their attributes already reflective of decisions made and of actions taken or not taken” (Tinto, 2003, p. 2).

Expectations. “Students are more likely to persist and graduate in settings that expect them to succeed” (Tinto, 2003, p. 2). If you begin by telling students, that one type of person is likely to succeed, you convey the implicit message that all others are likely to do poorly or fail. An organization with this attitude is failing to meet their students’ needs and failing them overall. When you expect the best from people, usually that’s what you get; expect the worst and you will receive it forthwith.

Support. Students are more likely to persevere and succeed in settings that provide academic, personal and social support. Most students, particularly freshmen, require support services at some point. No matter the type, “support needs to be readily available and connected to other parts of student collegiate experience, not separated from it” (Tinto, 2003, p. 3). Therefore, eradicating counseling services from campus (usually to pay high price consultants that give weak recommendations to improve retention rates) is a stupid and short-sighted move.

Feedback. “Students are more likely to persist and graduate in settings that provide frequent and early feedback about their performance as they are trying to learn and persist” (Tinto, 2003, p. 3). This is a trickle down effect of poor managerial skills in which employees receive evaluations at 6-month intervals. You’re critiqued for poor performance 5 months after the fact, when it’s too late to learn or self-correct. In order for feedback to be effective IT MUST BE TIMELY. You wouldn’t put a 3-year old child in “time-out” for something he did 6 hours ago. Well, some parents do, which is why it doesn’t work.

Involvement. “The frequency and quality of contact with faculty, staff, and other students is an important independent predictor of student persistence” (Tinto, 2003, p. 3). It is critical for colleges to get first year students to “buy into” their culture. If students do not feel like they matter or feel disenfranchised by the system, they are likely to drop out or transfer to an institution that promotes a sense of belonging and “we care about you” atmosphere.

Learning. Learning is the primary key to student retention. Students who learn are the students who stay. Involvement is also an integral aspect of learning. “Students who are actively involved in learning, that is who spend more time on task especially with others, are more likely to learn and, in turn, more likely to stay” (Tinto, 2003, p. 3). There are many classroom techniques that promote and enhance learning. Most require students to interact with each other in and out of the classroom, discussing the material and their thoughts. Repetition and critical analysis reinforces learning far better than rote memorization.

Schools that incorporate these conditions into their structure and curricula will have higher retention rates and provide a better quality of experience to their students. This approach will require schools to change from the ground up, including changes in belief and attitude. Unfortunately, most schools would rather hire independent consultants for $400,000 (increasing tuition and eliminating student services to pay these fees) that provide such pearls as “Add a freshmen orientation class.” Yeah, that’ll fix the problem, but it’s easier in the short-term rather than taking a systemic look in the mirror and implementing long-term effective change.

* Promoting Student Retention Through Classroom Practice, Presented at “Enhancing Student Retention: Using International Policy and Practice.” An international conference sponsored by the European Access Network and the Institute for Access Studies at Staffordshire University. Amsterdam, November 5-7, 2003.

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

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