Who Am I? I am a 38-year old mom with two kids. One of them is in kindergarten and the other is in the 5th grade. I try my best to be a good parent. I am involved in the PTA. I go on as many field trips as possible. I pitch in at the school in the reading program on my days off.

Basically, my life is my kids. I am part chauffeur, part cook, part homework project manager and the family sports director. Did I mention that I also work? It is really difficult to stay on top of everything. Lately, it seems as though I am a lot less “perfect” than I would like to be.

I remember when the kids were born; they were going to be “raisin and celery stick” kids. That didn’t last long. We eat a lot more McDonald’s than I would care to admit.

My day in and day out life is a blur of kids and their activities. But do you want to know what keeps me up at night? The thought of paying for college. It is so expensive just to live between clothes, food, toys, books, daycare, and doctor visits. The truth is that we have saved nothing for college. I am really scared that when it’s time for them to go to college, I won’t have any money to send them. God forbid, what if they want to go to a private college?

Most of the time I put these thoughts out of my mind, but they are never far below the surface. We aren’t rich and I don’t know what to do. I heard someone say college will cost $250,000 for a good school. If I multiply that by two, that is half a million dollars. You don’t have to be a
genius to do the math. Our household income is $70,000, therefore, I need seven years income to send my kids to college? Good luck with that.

This is making me freak out just writing about it. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. This is overwhelming. There is so much information out there. I don’t know what is objective and what is hype. It makes me feel frantic and out of control. I don’t know anything about investing and neither does my husband. I feel like a bad parent when I ignore the college dilemma, but I don’t know where to start.

Signed,
Worried Mom

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The incident that occurred at Virginia Polytechnic is a horrific tragedy. It saddens me, but it also fills me with outrage.

Predictably, there will be the typical American, knee jerk reaction aftermath. There will be a public outcry, demanding universities increase campus security to the extreme of turning them into mini-fortresses, adding to already astronomical tuition costs. More jails and more people with badges and guns; it’s always our first course of action.

Universities have come a long way in improving security measures in the last 25 years. Most campuses provide night escorts for female students, safety rides and safety education. Schools are simply not equipped to handle the kind of occurrence that happened this week nor should they be (unless, of course, they have a satellite campus in Baghdad). VPI and local police did a commendable job given the circumstances. The VPI shootings are an anomaly.

We live in a violent society. College campuses are a microcosm of the larger world. A mirroring takes place between the two. We like to believe our university system is the Emerald City of our best and brightest young minds (actually, there usually is an old white man behind a curtain pulling levers and blowing smoke). One need only log onto My Space and read some of the typical collegiate profiles to be dispelled of this notion. Furthermore, Ted Kaczynski is a Harvard grad; incredibly intelligent, but nutty as they come.

There is at least one Cho Seung-Hui on every campus. They may never act on their rage and homicidal fantasies, but they’re out there. We want to know “Why would he do something like this? What was his motive? Who is to blame?”

I guarantee that within a week, every talk show will have their favorite-mental-health-worker-for-hire on the air, examining Cho’s psychological profile. They will offer such chestnuts as “he was abused, molested, tortured, an object of childhood peer ridicule” and “let this be a cautionary tale.” I can already hear Dr. Phil and his replacement, Dr. Robin, now.

These scenarios may very well be true, but they’re not “the answer.” Many individuals suffer similar experiences and others far worse, yet they don’t grow up to kill 32 people and themselves. Hui was a highly disturbed young man who slipped through the cracks before arriving to that elusive critical moment in which he might have reached out for help.

There is always a “moment.” It’s not a matter of providing support services. Many students don’t seek help unless a third party intervenes in the right way and at the right time. It could be a seemingly insignificant comment or event. The most troubled students all have a similar story. A person (coach, adviser, RA, professor, peer) somehow demonstrates that they care in a way the student can hear and feel and then they seek help. Generally, these are spontaneous, unplanned, random occurrences that cannot be forced or done as part of academic advising protocol.

Who is to blame? The police? The university? Violent video games? WE are to blame and the politicians we elect who legislate the sale of firearms are to blame. Period. Dennis Miller, a comedian I used to like, once said, “Folks, you can’t save everyone. Just pray you’re not living next door to them when they decide to go off.” He’s right.

There will always be dangerous, psychotic people in the world. We can’t control that. However, we can control the ease of access and sale of firearms. Hui was able to walk into a gun shop and, because of his resident visa, wasn’t subject to a waiting period. Native US residents can purchase weapons if they have a valid driver’s license and no criminal record. The “no criminal record” caveat always makes me snort derisively- like a criminal doesn’t know how to purchase a gun without going through the proper channels. Give me a break.

Many will argue it’s our constitutional right to bear arms. Fact: The constitution was drafted at a time when you could be mauled to death by a bear on your way to the outhouse and the general consensus was that bathing regularly could make you sick and eventually die. “The right to bear arms” is no longer a valid or viable argument. Enough already.

I wonder if any of the parents whose children were murdered or whose children witnessed and were traumatized by the murders have NRA bumper stickers on their SUV’s? I wonder how they will be able to continue to defend the sale of guns? I’m certain many of them will.

It is our elected officials responsibility to stand up to their corporate backers and the small, but loud number of constituents who oppose stricter gun laws. A 4-year old child would eat his body weight in sugar if his parents allowed him to do so. The people in charge need to be responsible, even when many citizens demand they act irresponsibly.

We can’t save everyone, but as a society we can call for legislature that makes it more difficult if not impossible to purchase these weapons. If we’re serious about making campuses, not to mention society, safer, this would be a good start.

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Psy.D.

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College consulting is a field that has taken off in the last few years. As admissions to top schools have become more competitive, parents and students are looking for resources to give them an edge.

This week, I’ve asked a professional educational consultant, Dr. Cynthia Crespin, Ph.D., a few basic questions about these services.

What does a college consultant do?

You wouldn’t get behind the wheel of a car and attempt to drive it without getting some lessons first, right? And when you buy a house, you use a Realtor. The college admissions process is highly complex and the financial investment is enormous. Working with an expert will educate you about the process of college admission- the do’s and don’ts. They can help you with every step of the process from beginning to end, including essay review and college selection. Bottom line: Given the competition, it is probably the most important investment you can make in your child’s future.

What advantages do students who utilize college consulting services gain over students who do not?

Students who use this service maximize their chance to get into the college of their choice, to find the college that is right for them and the peace of mind that they are doing everything possible to help their child meet their goals. Stress is taken out of the equation, as much as possible, when you partner with an expert who serves as your informed guide.

When looking for a college consultant, what should parents look for and watch out for?

Ask for their credentials. Did they go to an Ivy League school if that’s where you child wants to go? Do they have a Master’s in Education or Psychology. Ideally, they would have a Ph.D. in Education or Psychology and be versed in career testing to help your child choose a major and thus tailor their college search. They should have several years of experience in a college/higher education capacity as some type of counselor/adviser. Just because an individual has attended college does not make them qualified to advise others on how to get into college. Beware of anyone lacking a graduate degree in either Psychology or Education; at best they’re simply unqualified and at worst, they could do your child’s college application real harm.

Many thanks to Dr. Crespin, an independent educational and career consultant, for taking time out of her busy schedule to field these questions. Dr. Crespin has over 15 years of career and college counseling, teaching and consulting experience. She earned her undergraduate degree, with honors, from Harvard University and also holds a Master’s degree in Education with specialization in Teaching and Curriculum Design from Harvard University.

Dr. Crespin also holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She has advised and assisted students at numerous instiutions of higher education including The Colorado College Career Center, Northeastern University’s Departments of Psychology and Co-operative Education and the Dean’s Office at Harvard College.

Written by: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Psy.D.

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Most people think of college graduation as a happy and exciting time- and it is. However, it can also be a time of anxiety and oftentimes depression for college grads and a time of frustration and confusion for their parents.

Graduation is both an ending and a beginning. College campuses are little worlds unto themselves. Students have support networks and many safety nets. Graduation means saying goodbye to relationships (or the familiar context of these relationships), classes, the party scene, the little part-time job for pocket money, professors, advisers, housing, health care and one sweet vacation/break calendar.

Grads and parents discover that the 4 to 5 years of expensive tuition that was supposed to prepare little Justin and Amber for the “real world” didn’t quite accomplish that feat. Many universities nowadays coddle and spoon feed their students as high schools have done, rather than address the problems created by high schools, but I digress.

Students discover that the careers they thought they would have after graduation are not quick to materialize and, if they do, don’t pay enough to support themselves and pay off their loans. This may cause many to frantically scurry into graduate programs in the hopes it will increase their viability in the job market after another 2-3 years of study and incurred debt.

In some fields, this is very well true; in others, a graduate degree means one will go from minimum wage to a slightly higher than minimum wage “salary” (Psychology is an excellent example, believe me, I know). Many grads will have to come to terms with the reality of what their college degree translates into in today’s job market. In many majors, a college diploma is nothing more than a glorified high school diploma.

How does one lucratively apply undergraduate degrees in History, World Literature and Communications into well paying jobs or, at the very least, jobs that will pay living expenses and loans? Unless you’re planning on parlaying these degrees into Law School, Engineering and/or an MBA program, save yourself time and money and pursue an Associates degree. I can’t tell you how many people I meet who were History, Sociology and Communications majors who are now apartment rental agents or sell advertising spots in radio. These are perfectly respectable jobs, but you don’t need college degrees to do them.

If you know an impending college grad, brace yourself for the months ahead. It may become bumpy when the reality hits the fan. Meanwhile, enjoy the graduation parties, Senior events, Alumnae wine and cheeses and commencement ceremonies. Hopefully, your grad will make it through and figure out how to make their degree pay. I’ve often thought college career counseling centers should offer a course to Juniors called, You Won’t Be Doing What You Think You’ll Be Doing After College, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

By: Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Psy.D.

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